Dreams Remembered

I dreamt,
I remember.
Finally,
been a long time!
No longer will I
say I don’t remember
my dreams,
no longer will I question
why I’m alive.
Dreams, my compass
guide me to what I want to be.
Can’t have higher aspirations
than when your brain is at its highest-
peaking.
Peek into my future,
close my eyes and see
in front of me.
When I forget what I’m doing,
what I’m set for,
specks of dreams
mark my pace
make my pace
faster, heart, pace
like REM!
Pace myself, stay on track.
Follow my dreams,
Optical illusions?
Mine!
Desires exposed.

Sitting atop this hill
overlooking Ooh-LA- LA- land
enchanted by the bruised sunset,
smog’s optical illusion,
reminding me that I used to dream.
Before I floated through this world
like smog, heavy visible layer
creating optical illusions
of wonder, I used to dream.
Fingers moving
fast.
My words taking
flight.
Me the simple marionette
controlled by my dreams
such manipulators
carrot on a stick-
showing me my shtick.

Hit replay
Re-play
Re-wrote
Re-ad
d-RE-am.
Something’s gonna stick.
Not living vicariously
through No-ONE
just living vigorously.
Mom dreamt that one day
I’d be a secretary
But what do I expect
outta me?
One
una
sola
can only dream.

No thanks, I'm full...of it.

FUCK leather!!
Lately these days
long hours
late nights
shoulders knotted
eyes encircled with shade
head aches
pain,
what a nuisance-
leaving me
sin ganas to eat it.
LEATHER
For sure can’t wear it.
Not buying a quarter pound
not paying $200 for grey
leather Highway patrol pants.
Ditching the leather wear
that makes me hard,
wet like the moisture trapped
between my skin and “my skin”.
The truth
my finances have made shit hard
on me.

Every other day
getting mad mail
getting mad at my mail
shouting a big
FUCK YOU
to the system
of fixed interests
and out of order priorities
I mean principles.
Where are my principles?
Mailed off with 0% interest
just like that! (finger snap)
Sin querer quriendo
I gave it to me hard…again.
But nobody forces
Who forces? What?
My pen on that paper
that credit card in the slot
running it up and down
handling it like a handle
my name on everybody’s
lips.
Handle
slot machine with lesser returns
retail therapy minus the returns,
keep it-
keep it all.
What APR?
What a gamble.
Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching
CHA-CHING
Buying “bling”
getting legit-
It aint easy!
Fuck, my priorities
they gotta swing back
Montezuma’s revenge!
Back to the right side.
So fuck that hide!
Fuck it
BDSM
sin el leather
still denial
no release.

Denying myself
the goods
don’t need release.
Temporary loss, lapse of reality
every time I indulge in the pleasure
consumption.
Consumption-sumption where’s your gumption?
Consumption-sumption where’s your gumption?
Where’s your gumption?

Fuck, donde se me fueron los cojones?!
Como maricones,
I am scared of my ovaries.
There I said it guys
I said it gays
Looking at you right in the eyes!
Looking at you right dead in your
“I” (plural)
HIV is laden with misogyny
from the beginning
when they couldn’t
wouldn’t mouth the word
HIV equaled a gay man’s disease.
Gay men taking it up the ass = weak
Equals vulnerable
=
Me
woman.
Let’s look at it right there.
My transgender sisters lost in the muddle
puddle of men having sex with men
wanting to be counted for the women
the transgender WOMAN that you are.
Welcome to the invisibilizing world
that is being a woman
try to get them to really see a woman.
Now, transgender woman?
That is way beyond their imaginations
Way, way yonder, farther than this inflation has reached.
The numbers don’t lie
But labels do.

I don’t have
a poem of hunger
haven’t been hungry for a while.
Been stuffed
stuffing myself with other fillers
Carbs
shoving it back to the creditors
Don’t want to consume.

Consumption
sickness.
Symptoms include
insomnia
awake like “black Friday”
remedy 42 inches of plasma
hung over my theater center
leaving me hung over
with x-rays.
Leaving me full of it
low levels full.
I am full of it.
Masking my discomforts
with comforts…
steady job=
health insurance =
401K =
403 (B)=
sick and vacation days =
Ugh, security!
Security, strived for and received.
Getting my dividends
But not satisfaction
GUARANTEED!
Not satisfied, satisfied
still not satisfied.
Always the dwindling middle class
that’s a sign of no class,
we don’t talk
money in our house.
Wasn’t raised to,
“mums the word”
huh mom?
No one is supposed to know
how poor we were.
Stick that neck out!
Hold that head high
heavy with pride
all that sweat
slides down your back
broken on double shifts.
I don’t want to work
like a mule
dreams smuggled
across the border
chasing a dream
across the border.
American Dream.
Been told all my life
not American
Dream!
Not Mexican
Dream!
Not Chicana.
Dream control
You call it lucid dreaming
I call it life
manipulating my dreams.

Been manipulating
for fifteen years
my longest commitment
but why always half committed?
Look at me always spilling
My businesses
Get outta my businessss
Gonna make myself a businesss
Profit from my business
it’s for me
Just a simple pleasure
to HOWL
again and again
thank you stars
for listening
to me HoWL
always up like a night owl
long hours
late nights
shoulders knotted
eyes encircled with shade
head aches.
Pain,
keep me lucid
don’t want to loose
it, no, no
push it hard
natural birth
it was natural
earned it at birth?
Earn it
My labor of love
a living
writing to live
for a
living.
Keep reminding my self
LIVE IT
like skin
Fuck…leather!

Fucked Up Memory

“It’s just like heaven
bein’ here with you
you’re like an angel
too, good to be true”
-Rosie and the Originals

Too, good to be true?
Huh, must be why I forget
I can have you
whenever I want?
You’re my salt.
You make everything better.
Salt.
Sweat gathered
under my breasts.
Skin red
under my breasts.
Titties slapping
your ass smacking
against my mound.
Methodic.
Soft-mounds slapping
Hard!
FUCKEN burlesque
ain’t got nothing
on these.
Don’t make me twirl
these bitches!
Twirl around my thumb
finds your hole
worm myself inside
your hole, tight brown
fade to pink.
Eye squinting
starring at me.
WINK, WINK!
Each time I blow.
Slow, I dig in slow.
My thumb throbs
pleasure-pressure
pressing down on your spot.

I don’t recall
childhood growing pains
ankles never hurt
back no aches
Titties?
Little avocados
overly ripe
about to burst.
Easily bruised
my EGO
the stares.
Here we go!


Get outta your head!
They say.
Nah, nah,
I get’s into my head.
Close your eyes
lean back
get into my head.
Open wide.
Split you open
my tongue
splashes in your cunt.
You feel me?
That’s called inspire.
I get into my head
sucking hard on
hard swollen clit.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Look at you, getting into
my head.
Don’t push me out
let my thoughts
get fermented with you.
Filling up my pores
we penetrate each other.
I get into my head
deep
my thoughts
your juices slipping
between my fingers
opening and reaching
for more of you
grab a fist full of you
have your pulse
in the palm of my hand
have you in the palm of my hand.
You look so good
getting into my head,
got you arched
like a rainbow.
Look at all the colors,
wide blue eyes,
flushed cheeks
cotton candy mouth
screaming “PLEASE!”
Your fingers tangled
with my dark curls.
Dig into my head
smash me into your cunt
make me face my fantasies!
suck you like a slut
Can’t get enough?
Who? You or me?
Same!
Sluts.
Juice you like udders
Juice you
till your utters
echo in your throat.
Getting into my head
Cause that’s how I play
YOU
so good
like soft violins by the shore.
Call me prodigy.
My tongue flapping
like a fish,
I’m hooked.
going down
slow, down
like a shot.
Curl my fingers
hold you inside, tight
my finger prints all over
your walls.
Every ridge is alive
in the moment
get into momentum.
Squeeze my hand inside you
Peace!
Pieces
I want to fuck you to pieces
pump that cunt
fuck you hard
uh con gannas,
ay ese feeling!
Got it hot
the center of my chest
a crescent glows
that there
that’s were my good fucking grows
like your throbs I feel
pressing against my knuckles grow.
Shit gets hot
the puddle under my titties grows.
Mercury you slip through my fingers
quick silver droppings on the floor.
Scattered,
feels so scattered
“Being here with you”

Gonna write myself out of this mess

Don’t put me in a box
unless it’s a black box.
Me and those walls about to go at it.
Shadow boxing!
Them walls can speak
and they did speak
to me
told me “spill secrets.”
Secrete the truth through my teeth.
Nah I’m lying, cause walls don’t talk
but the floors did
they supported me in everything I said
when times got tough they carried me
me…with all my baggage
they never broke under the pressure
supporting me and the crew.
Popped off in ‘02, wrecking havoc
on stage, black box
experimental creatures
let lose, acting out
pulling from within.
Shit! Had projecting
down to a science
we’s an experiment run amuck.
Dam geeks lost their mind
losing our mind, till we got it together.
Together, asses on the line
taking a bow, curtsey, pound over the heart
wave of the hand, across the lights
given them a hand, they lent us a hand
the guys, behind the switches
wizards of Oz corroborating
in the fantasies, had to be
how else could it be
to feel so alive.
Alive!

A live performance
just what the doctor ordered
just what this patient
who’s losing
her patience, needs.
That aint right.
Gonna write myself out of this mess
right into that box
black box.
Don’t box me in
No censor
No coffin, no box.
Just remnants of me
black like the walls
markings of me- black
memories, dark cross on your forehead,
“From dust you are and from dust you shall return”
Funny phrases, flashbacks- trying to hit rewind
but it’s time, a smudge.
Dust myself off and try again
if at first
no succeed = a little bit closer.

Get a little bit closer
Don’t be ashamed.
Shame
I wanna make you
feel shame
avert my gaze cause you flash back
to you submitting.
I wanna feel dirty with you
like picking at the scab
Jellyfish sting!
Sting like some nalgas
red ridges, rings
pink, crimson, the flesh in between
raw with regret
get turned on
sorely
you’ll remember
soreness won’t let you forget.
Dirty!
Let me rest
Like dust on your flesh.
In between the flesh
my discoveries lie
in between the flesh.
Inches and thickness
weapons of mass eruptions
My
cock
Emotional
cock
Emotional cockiness
hard with certainty.
Certainly hard to believe
But I do.

I believe in you
First draft, fourth
Going on tenth and I do
recognize you
Clear as my voice
Clear comes the voice
Clear comes the voices!
Bouncing off my head
like they’ve bounced off the walls.
Off the wall
Got to beat it
my head, my heart
stain the walls.
Consitent pounding
Handball, slam!
handle the return
not doing it for the returns
I can’t help it
I return,
in observance
for confession
and absolution.

Quinceañera

When does
my Quinceañera begin?
My butchness flower?
Gardenia, pungent, white
pure, innocence
in a bottle aromatic
incense.
Grrrrrr
to be free
Vrrrrrrrroom
Heading that way!
Rites of passage
Rights of passage.
Passing over me
my whole self
when you cross me.
Right to passage, I say!
Evolve, get out the way!
Write my passages
pages and more pages
Mad man!
So, so mad
the pace, Quinceañera.
As in, cada quincena
te traigo tu domingo
No siete!
Quince
Coupletes
una sobre la otra
Oligarchy
but all RICH.
You devour
MY vowels.
You Fester
in my bowels.
Quince
Digo, quisiera
As in “ya quisieras”
Si pudieras lo harías?
“Si lo hago,
chanfles”
Ya no me hago
La Pendeja!
Lotería
Le atine.
butch
Wear me Proud
BUTCH,
Were you proud?
Wore down a little,
not rubbed out
what nut
breaking my head
figuring it out.
OTHERING.
Being OTHERED.
On to OTHERS
and they will do onto you.
Until
you learn
Let go.
Bye bye hair
I didn’t care anymore
Wore my sideburns
Like a waffer
Long, dark,
SWEET!
To me
to myself
in the mirror
I see me.
Have to like what I see
can’t see anything else otherwise.
Quinceañera
Quisiera retener el tiempo
like retaining water
Seria incomodo?
Ya no me incomodo
No me incomodas
Es como vas aprendiendo
Préndete del presente
Quinceañera,
vivir la misma historia
es cosa rara.

I don’t believe in Valentines

Look at these hands
they love you good.
Suck my finger
Suck it!
Go ‘head
deny me
I wish you would.
I got you deep
rooted, wood.

Look at this hand.
Hand over your skin
to me-
Opened pores,
you, like a honeycomb
me endulsas.
Hand over your skin
pour myself into you.
Discovering
one small step for…
These fingers
trigger
trigger fingers
trigger
rat-tat-tat-tat
one giant leap
in your cunt
“mellon ballers.”
Scrape
SCRAPE
ScRApe!
Scratchy throat
red, burning, paprika
from your hollers
me asustan
nails on chalkboard.
Inflamation of the joints
knuckles flexing, slow tentacles
reaching out
Venus flytrap
tempting, lock me in
push me out
all sticky, pasty,
joint
to my skin.
Inflammation of the joints
burning at my center
my wrist, limp
been working my nerve
can’t deel with the numbness
I gotta work that nerve.
Yeah, right there
Get me that release
Spilling it for you, baby
Revealing it to you, baby.

Don’t look at my hand
take it.
Hanzel and Gretel with me
Leaving traces of ourselves
trails and tribulations
Dot, dot, dot connect
a line
bridge those islands
fear and love
fear of love
loving fear
love in fear
you so ornery!
relax
Don’t get all fizzeled
PoP
Geez!
On me.
Cum on
You do.
Take my hand
Look how deep
My love line go
Life line,
Call a
friend
Call me
your friend
Your bed buddy
our legs like crickets.
Crickets, crickets, crikets
we lie in the silence
pulsing with sex energy
Glow bugs!
Thighs undone
Spread those legs
Lock those ankles
Butterfly me
We tandem
through this world.
Make you jump
out your skin
Knees clackin
Lips like liquid
Drool on me.
I don’t believe
Valentines
I
spear you.
Succumb to the warmth
Cupped hands.

NEED

My snake’s heart
can be salty
como saladito.
I refuse to lick
them- my wounds anymore.
Exposed like the life of a party
revealed- taking the life out da’ party
killing the bubbly romance.
It’s in my hands
it’s in my hand
Corazon
crushing it gorgeous
grapefruit-swollen
mi corazon.

I…need love
a muse
My muse
LET you muse
on my love.
Love- what I do
Love feel it right
right feel to my love.
This is how it’ll be
FOREVER and EVER
I promise
over and over EVER
208 times
disregard my warning;
Don’t play!
Electricity, electric,
you charge me.

Our chemistry
molecular bonds bonded.
You’re hard like chemistry
String me along
break my head
show me things
cause crazy reactions.
Break my head
expose you to my thoughts
changing matters.

Can’t figure this interaction.
Respond not reaction?
Break my head
open, free, ego drop
wait that’s gravity
it’s all physical
our science.
Under our skin
read it
with your finger tips.
My dark matter
hangs over me
weight can break my head.

I don’t know…tell me more
all you have in store share
what you know….
You know
we’ll never
be desensitized
in our familiarity
tell me what you know
even if I know it all already.
Those stories you tell
like a dusty poem
gets picked at
the “could have been”
Scabbing away old wound
feels good.
I… need love
I need you
wrap your hand
friend of mine
in mine…
feel my serpent’s heart
pulse in yours.