So...let it be

I stopped
drinking
smoking
fucking.
Stopped
putting shit IN ME
and shit started
popping INside ME
come up
come out
come out
wherever you are
out of ME.
Sobriety
has me
feeling
some shit
I don’t even like
like anger
sours my stomach
pains my side, my head, shoulder
the root- a damaged heart.

Shit
busted open like a frozen pipe
shit
erupted this New York morning
making me feel all woody
stiff
no longer numbed
making me feel
yesterday too.
Feels like road rage.
Caged in my car.
Caged by my thoughts.
Can’t stop
thinking how far ahead of me you are
guess you took the carpool out of us,
to the next exit
the next rest stop
the next butch
out of this mess.
I’m just a right lane
waiting for the next accident
to happen.
Are you in?
Are you out?
Hurry merge!
You don’t know
and don’t even
understand my signals.
I should learn to read the
Sig alerts.
Foot on the gas
catch that bitch
on Rebound Ave.
thummbing it for the next
town
or I’ll cross her
on that turnstile
called your life.

All this time you had me fooled
WORST
all this time I had ME fooled.
So I think
like brainteasers
keep thinking of that smoking gun.
Shit
busted open!
Your texting at night
what the fuck!
your face
crammed into your phone
giggling, gushing
shit busted open
like you’re all alone
me right there beside you
like your carpool
taking up space.
Should’ve taken that
smoking gun to head
woken my ass up.
BITCH see the light!
Shinning bright in your eyes
like your smile
at the phone’s screen
big like an emoticon
what the fuck did it mean?
But my eyes were shut tight
vexed
busting at the seems.
Only thing I could do is let tears
stream
down
my
face
lost in the night.
Shit
busted
opened.

So perplexed at how
History repeats itself
No matter how much I want
It’s not my story.
Did away with monogamy
Why have to worry about cheating…
DISLOYALTY
So I say
TRUTH
it just
HURTS
when they go away.
They’ve all played it
like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wanted to avoid history from repeating itself?
So I say.

I can impose my own rules
but can’t seem to win this game
Relationships?
So fucken lame!
Like a duck I dipped
my head under water
holding my breath
blowing bubbles
wishing that things will get better
tomorrow.
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I loved you
tomorrow.
The sun did come up
but my time was up
I upchucked
my love
the loyalty.
Let you be
the ex that you want to be
Ex-lover
ex-friend
ex-fantasy
Excuses, no more!

I stopped.
Drinking
smoking
fucking
I stopped
putting shit in me
and shit came up
out of me
feeling
some shit.
Holding that mirror up to my face
closer than your phone to your face
I gotta face my demons
I’m not all smiles either
shits got me on edge.
With Mistress I pledged
to be clean
not putting shit in me
on her I lean.
I learn…I let go.

It hurts to know
I lived that lie for a while
put my life on cruise control.
Denial.
That’s my style
But I’m getting a make-over
doing it without the hangover
without the mushroom cloud
to enshroud
no more looking like a mountain
all covered in mist, obscured
green with envy
at your texts
too yellow to face you
making me redder with rage
then spirit got so low
I got blue.
Come here sobriety
let me get a taste of you.
Gonna make
MYSELF
Primary
do away with secondary
emotions
not passive aggressive
aggressively passionate
making myself bust
with pride and prejudice
towards a better way
towards getting better
clearing the way
clearing the air
They way that breaks-ups go
it gets frio,
feo,
far
then removed.
but we can’t…
I can’t this time
time to shift gears
cause I wanna keep the boy near
to my heart
even post-his two moms
post won’t equal apart
he won’t be a part
of my history.
Present.

Not making my emotions atomic
Letting them get mountainous
Gotta get cracking
Like a single-tail
Blurting out my demons
So!
Call me tattle-tale
I don’t care
when all my stuff is said and done
Mistress’s paintings have just begun
Our work, our collabos,
@= C+A
are the smoking gun.
We’ve committed
a crime against
unproductiveness
geniuses at work
working hard
working shit out
making our spirits
strong as steel
to steal your breath away
dealing with our storms
making our internal chaos
come to a stand still.

I want forgiveness
I can’t continue
to hope for
control of history
can’t hope that you
would have.
Can’t change the times
when I didn’t
when I could’ve.
I can…
So you
changed the scenery?
Shit I prefer the 101 any day over
The 5 going up north…
No more making the other
Feel tail gated
No- to riding each other’s ass
gotta get my
eyes off the rear
view.

I have to not lose sight of things
How blessed I am
to be here again and again
consistently creating
ascertains that
I’ve come with certainty
It’s beautiful
what I see
all the shit that’s
come up
come out
comes out of
me