Purge

(inspired by all this LA rain)



I’m going to purge you out of me.
I’m going to purge you out of my system.

I’m going to purge you out with music.
Canciones de amor que me llenan de dolor.
I’ll listen to them over and over, until
My ears and heart become numb to the words.

I’m going to purge you out with my tears
cry myself to sleep until there are no more tears left to be shed
My pillow soaking up all the evidence

I’m going to purge you out al estilo Jalisco ¡AJUA!
Con una botella de tequila!
Drinking myself into frenzy… stumbling my way out of your memories.

I’m going to purge you out with these fingers
Tracing them all over my body
Over all your abandoned trails, seeking that one spot
Touching it, loving it, repossessing it.

I’m going to give myself a limpia with old journals
Poems and the letters never read.
Piling them up and building an altar to memories
emotions and hope…dead

Finally, I’m going to purge myself with a fuck.
Slide, glide and sweat you out…Umm
release you with a moan.


Note: This was my first publication ever, it appeared in Westwind: a Journal of Critical Studies out of UCLA while I was an undergrad.

¿Por que te deje?

¿Por que te deje?
¿Por que dejo?
¿Por que me dejo?
Por que recurro
al abandono
precisamente cuando siento
el completo abandono
de mis emociones?
Esta pauta
Es mi salvavidas
La dulce amargura
Que me alimenta
Me da fuerzas
Para regresar
a mi
Centro
Lleno de ecos
De rechazo
Te rechazo
Pero en vano
Al fin me quedo sola
Con mi indiferencia
una
por siempre inflexible
aunque la trate de negar.

So...let it be

I stopped
drinking
smoking
fucking.
Stopped
putting shit IN ME
and shit started
popping INside ME
come up
come out
come out
wherever you are
out of ME.
Sobriety
has me
feeling
some shit
I don’t even like
like anger
sours my stomach
pains my side, my head, shoulder
the root- a damaged heart.

Shit
busted open like a frozen pipe
shit
erupted this New York morning
making me feel all woody
stiff
no longer numbed
making me feel
yesterday too.
Feels like road rage.
Caged in my car.
Caged by my thoughts.
Can’t stop
thinking how far ahead of me you are
guess you took the carpool out of us,
to the next exit
the next rest stop
the next butch
out of this mess.
I’m just a right lane
waiting for the next accident
to happen.
Are you in?
Are you out?
Hurry merge!
You don’t know
and don’t even
understand my signals.
I should learn to read the
Sig alerts.
Foot on the gas
catch that bitch
on Rebound Ave.
thummbing it for the next
town
or I’ll cross her
on that turnstile
called your life.

All this time you had me fooled
WORST
all this time I had ME fooled.
So I think
like brainteasers
keep thinking of that smoking gun.
Shit
busted open!
Your texting at night
what the fuck!
your face
crammed into your phone
giggling, gushing
shit busted open
like you’re all alone
me right there beside you
like your carpool
taking up space.
Should’ve taken that
smoking gun to head
woken my ass up.
BITCH see the light!
Shinning bright in your eyes
like your smile
at the phone’s screen
big like an emoticon
what the fuck did it mean?
But my eyes were shut tight
vexed
busting at the seems.
Only thing I could do is let tears
stream
down
my
face
lost in the night.
Shit
busted
opened.

So perplexed at how
History repeats itself
No matter how much I want
It’s not my story.
Did away with monogamy
Why have to worry about cheating…
DISLOYALTY
So I say
TRUTH
it just
HURTS
when they go away.
They’ve all played it
like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Wanted to avoid history from repeating itself?
So I say.

I can impose my own rules
but can’t seem to win this game
Relationships?
So fucken lame!
Like a duck I dipped
my head under water
holding my breath
blowing bubbles
wishing that things will get better
tomorrow.
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I loved you
tomorrow.
The sun did come up
but my time was up
I upchucked
my love
the loyalty.
Let you be
the ex that you want to be
Ex-lover
ex-friend
ex-fantasy
Excuses, no more!

I stopped.
Drinking
smoking
fucking
I stopped
putting shit in me
and shit came up
out of me
feeling
some shit.
Holding that mirror up to my face
closer than your phone to your face
I gotta face my demons
I’m not all smiles either
shits got me on edge.
With Mistress I pledged
to be clean
not putting shit in me
on her I lean.
I learn…I let go.

It hurts to know
I lived that lie for a while
put my life on cruise control.
Denial.
That’s my style
But I’m getting a make-over
doing it without the hangover
without the mushroom cloud
to enshroud
no more looking like a mountain
all covered in mist, obscured
green with envy
at your texts
too yellow to face you
making me redder with rage
then spirit got so low
I got blue.
Come here sobriety
let me get a taste of you.
Gonna make
MYSELF
Primary
do away with secondary
emotions
not passive aggressive
aggressively passionate
making myself bust
with pride and prejudice
towards a better way
towards getting better
clearing the way
clearing the air
They way that breaks-ups go
it gets frio,
feo,
far
then removed.
but we can’t…
I can’t this time
time to shift gears
cause I wanna keep the boy near
to my heart
even post-his two moms
post won’t equal apart
he won’t be a part
of my history.
Present.

Not making my emotions atomic
Letting them get mountainous
Gotta get cracking
Like a single-tail
Blurting out my demons
So!
Call me tattle-tale
I don’t care
when all my stuff is said and done
Mistress’s paintings have just begun
Our work, our collabos,
@= C+A
are the smoking gun.
We’ve committed
a crime against
unproductiveness
geniuses at work
working hard
working shit out
making our spirits
strong as steel
to steal your breath away
dealing with our storms
making our internal chaos
come to a stand still.

I want forgiveness
I can’t continue
to hope for
control of history
can’t hope that you
would have.
Can’t change the times
when I didn’t
when I could’ve.
I can…
So you
changed the scenery?
Shit I prefer the 101 any day over
The 5 going up north…
No more making the other
Feel tail gated
No- to riding each other’s ass
gotta get my
eyes off the rear
view.

I have to not lose sight of things
How blessed I am
to be here again and again
consistently creating
ascertains that
I’ve come with certainty
It’s beautiful
what I see
all the shit that’s
come up
come out
comes out of
me

nada de nada

In my room painting the walls, finally gonna finish. No music or tv in the background just the sound of my fur babies making funny noises in their sleep. I don’t dare to talk, the brush sh-sh-sh-sh keeps telling me to be quiet. Shhhh, up my wall and shhhhhh down my wall covering my trim in gold, very golden like crown royal, and a blue fit for royalty. I don’t want to feel like a King nor a Queen just royal. Shhhh, my brush whispers secretes that remind me of you, how you throw yourself into your work. How you threw yourself into that last work, poured the last drop of energy depleted and sick, how this made me want to throw myself into your work roll around in it, wade in the colors, touch every spot where your hands have been. Your hands how much they turn me on. Your hands so caring to the canvas, delicate they are they way they invade each blank spot with life. Spread that angel wings dust echa mis fantasias a volar. Spread those fingers, reach wide, gather the paint then squeeze till it oozes, like ecstasy though my legs.

Believing in the Master Plan...un verso a la vez, Dios mio

Love
Is like a fucken game
of hot-hands
I put mine over yours
for a quick second
move them away
before
the sting
of your slap
I don’t avoid all the time.
I put them there again
and I fall asleep
Dare I say it- I’m
too, much in my head
my thoughts wound
rubber band tight
look at my temples
how they’re not revered
they’re mounds of tension.
That’s what my square jaw
is all about, I’m not
really all that
Hollywood
Can’t play the part
in a romantic comedy
cause I get slapped
around by love
Love, love live
Live to love.


Can’t quite
get a handle on what makes
ME so special
Special? that’s me
Questioning the wrong
things again. Your arms
draped around me cuz,
you pecking my face
with kisses cuz
and me
dumb struck not knowing
why? Why are you so happy
why? you giving me so much love
that makes me shy away
shrivel up like a belly button
but not quiet healed.
Heel! Heel!
Makes it stop
Heal, heals
Doesn’t always make it go away
Trusting, accepting kindness
potential love
my Achilles heel
Not gonna fuck it up cuz
Naw, it’s not gonna go down
like that
It’s not gonna go down
My head
My heart
My spirits, keep ‘em high
Keep getting, keep getting
keep ‘em high
these vibes that we feel

I feel
Your strokes
I trust them
the pictures they create
our relationship
a photo novella
my words
Your strokes
I trust them
the vibes
my words to Your brush
Your words to my ears
a composting
for our artistic souls
my collaborator
I’m on the tip, Your tip
said so Yourself
keeping me close
Believe it or not
And I do
Believe in You
That You see
“nada por aqui, nada por aca”
just sincerity pumping
from my heart
Your eternal corroborator
witness to Your force
Love
Is like a fucken game
of hot hands
I put mine over Yours
I wait
Steady, steady
I salivate, get wet a little
Then savor the sting
Over and over
Your hands on
my skin
Your skin
I can smell all day
The scent of metal from Your
Collar, locked around Your neck
hanging next to the key from
the lock around my neck
Your skin
I can smell all day
the cinnamon of it
the spicy chiles from Your garden
the sawdust trapped in Your sweat

Love
Is like a fucken game
of hotness
there where I lie
In between Your crotch
Right there in heaven
in between Your crotch
is heaven
A little piece of heaven
there I lie
there I belong
belong to You
You tell me
“tell Me that you love Me”
I do
cause I belong to You
I look into Your eyes
and tell You that I love You
so much
deeply I do
deeply I will go
with You
You freak
You dreamer
You’re my leap year
a
giver
lover You

Love
Is like
You.

Don't get it twisted

My pieces are not meant to portray BDSM as mean/scary but rather to show how intense sexual/sensual feelings and desires can be, how they are suppressed too, many times cause we are unable to express them for some reason or another. When they are released it can be scary and definitely intense. So yes to homo, yes to sex, yes to eat and be eaten- survival of the fittest. When I look up in the mirror and I don't know who or what is looking back at me...it feels good. The answer is the end. I don't want to know the answer if it'll mean the end. Besides, if I didn't go for the scary I wouldn't be who I am, wouldn't have the Mistress that I have nor be on the path I'm on. Master plan...here we come.

Soldadera de Amor

It is what it is.
A disgrace
a mustache
a uni-brow
on a pretty face.
No matter how much
you consume her
you all can’t be Frida
La sufrida, vivio
su vida.
Subidas y bajadas
Haci es la vida.

Now that there
is someone….(ugh!)
some pain that you
no one
wants to feel
some pain that kills
some pain that makes you
wanna kill
yourself
quick like a leap
or slow like depression
of your soul
put yourself down
down
in a little black box
Aha! Hence my intrigue.
Not my destiny but my mind.
So not free to
so not free
Not expunged of those memories
I say I can’t remember but
como los cargo encima
como el peso del matrimonio
… some pain that makes you wanna kill.
But she didn’t
she didn’t kill herself!
She painted her imperfections
with perfection.
She paints her imperfections
with inflections
with inflections
with inflec-tionnnnnnnnn-ssssssss
Painting deliciousness
on tongues.

She paints her imperfections for me
letting me in to what got into her.
Her spinal column is pillar strong
I see it in her stance.
Her hugs
soft and secure like a tree
I stand with her
I kneel
at her side
near her spats.
Where she likes to see me.
She likes the view
so much so she built herself a tree house
to get a closer look.
Look!
A little piece of heaven.
heaven
haven
of my trust
haven of my lust
haven of my fears and
that big ol’ mean bitch I carried inside me
refusing to let me live
so I thrust that bitch, thrust her out
…almost all out
and into her
Mistress
/
Trust
/
Mistress
/
keeper of…
dominator of…
protector of…

War begets war?
Violence begets violence?
Not to the Soldaderas de amor
aquellas mujeres con el espiritu arañado
que han logrado despues de todo
todo todo aquel rollo…a amar a la vida
“Viva la Vida!”
vivio la vida hasta la muerte
even with her
spinal column\broken
collar bone\broken
ribs, pelvis\broken
her leg 11 times\breaks.
She breaks me down
puts me back together
Coyolxauhqui
moon goddess
surrounded by brothers
the stars
shattering the darkness of the sky
rays of life.

Reik my soul
raking my back
With her nails
/
flogger
\
single tail
…
a trail
3 tracks
mi cuero arañado
…bear claws
she gets beastly on me.
SOY beastia
Por su cuero
Staining my back red
inflaming my back
amor que arde.
Her ass on my head
muffling my thoughts
I feel her legs naked
or in cuero
around my neck.
Dayum!
She gives the best hugs.

War begets war violence begets violence
Search for perfection begets…
Aha! That’s a tricky question
cause I don’t show my imperfections
see
even after a drunken night,
hung-over depressed
waking up in last-night’s outfit
I feign togetherness.

I’ve never been a cheater
but man am I cheating life!
I should be treating life
like a book, a story I want to read
It’s not in our destiny
It’s in our mind.
Please don’t mind
me as I unwind
spiral down
this vortex
called life
it is what it is…

(@= C+A image/Anna P. Sutton: words/Claudia Rodriguez:)