Exhale...finally

Such a childish gesture
one I haven’t been able to shake.
I, a child
shrugged my shoulders
little mountains,
peaks already icy,
I lifted them
looked over my right one
saw no one there
and committed
to “I don’t care.”
No kicking and screaming
the hurt away,
face didn't turn colors
no trail of tears down
my gumdrop cheeks-
I heaved
all the thinking about you
in one breath
washed away my want for you
with
a solitary
tear.
I didn’t care!
Really…
couldn’t care
any more
that you didn’t want to
see
hug
know me.
Stupid pangs
surfaced
making my heart-hiccup
and I knew I still did
care.

Wanting didn’t help
nine years of wishes blown away
the smoke cleared
you still weren’t back.

My other half
Mi otro yo?
If I am you and you are me
did you abandon yourself too?
I wanted to be more than a bastard
no box full of recuerdos
under my bed to sneak peeks at
when the missing you hurt too much.
Nothing
to remind me of your absence except
you’re absence.
The neighborhood kids’
outings to Dodger games
with their dads,
the rattling of keys by calloused
bread winners making their way home
to dinner with their families served
as sour reminders.

The heart of a mexicano
leaving to another pueblo,
another woman’s arms
another family.
No looking back
Not worried for those left behind.
No heavy heart?
Years of silence tell
me no.

How was your heart able to love
those kids and
didn’t love me.
Was I not worthy?
I believed I wasn't
for a long time
till yesterday in fact.
Wore
abandonment like a lead vest
impenetrability shielding
me from further pain me
the damage was done
and love couldn’t get through

Today
…at this moment
I know
I am not worthy
of this burden.
Want to melt the ice away
relax my shoulders
stop looking over my shoulder.
I have to stop looking
for you
for
love
comfort
to lay blame.

I hear the pangs
I see
that I have been a bastard
to myself.