Que Sacrificio

I need a shot of you.

Feel you burn

my throat 

when you go down, 

coat my walls with your words

graffiti artist of love that you are.

Your words fall into me

I the grand canyon for your words

that reverberate the loudest in me.

Together we are a work of nature

Renaissance of love

Gray ocean waves

rushed the Manhattan Beach shore.

We strolled along The Strand-

congested with laughter, barking dogs

and skaters’ wheels rolling over sandy pavement-

symphony of summer beach life.

My heartbeat roared over all the noise,

only I could hear its rumble.

I took a big gulp of briny sea air,

my stomach felt like Jell-O,

I exhaled and tasted adrenaline.

We strolled along like so many other weekends

but I felt lost, in my thoughts in my feelings

rushing over me, coming to my surface

You grabbed my hand and pointed…

Something in the sky? The boat in the water?

Couldn’t make out what you said,

I know my hand slipped out of your hand

like the giggles slipped out your lips

I didn’t want to let go

but your hand carried away

my body heat with it.

I knew I couldn’t just be your friend

if not having you made

a summer afternoon feel cold.

My tongue stumbled trying to convey

to you my heart’s testimony.

I opened my mouth, wanted to swallow the sunset

to blind you with my smile,

tell you the things that emerge in me when I’m with you.

Your warmth all volcanic, melts my anti-love fears

allowing possibilities to erupt

and dreams of a future with you hover like cumulus clouds.

But all I had was human words, my truth

unfurled before you, earth angel,  “vision of loveliness,”

skin soft like rose petals, eyes blue like the horizon,

pink lips that part into a smile

that unglued me and made me feel like a convert

of the renaissance of love.

We sat on a bench to watch in silence

as the sun appeared to slip into the ocean.

“The sun doesn’t actually rise and set,

it’s us, Earth spins on its axis…” you said breaking

the silence.

“While it rotates around the sun,” I added.

My anxiety ebbed as I reached for you hand, pulled

you closer to me and asked “Will you be my sun?”

You grabbed my hand,

rested your head on me

and said “for all seasons.”

Always the Help

My dream had always been to live in politics, study the laws of this land, be versed in democracy, and dish out justice to poor, immigrant, and other marginalized people en route to my post as Compton’s first Latina mayor. I was an eager sophomore at UCLA majoring in political science wearied by the level of competition. I was a nobody, not a star student, not known for my potential, just another student floating amongst the many over achievers swimming like salmons upstream where our future lay. I knew I had to do more if I wanted to stand out, get a letter of rec to an outstanding law school. I needed the guidance from other outsiders who had trekked this path before. I a young brown girl in a discipline, white as the walls of its department, traditions older than the building it was housed in, saw myself in you, Professor Star, fresh blood, eager faced Associate Professor with the energy and smarts that had broken through the political science glass-ceiling. I took you in and was excited by your voice, assured, strong and booming which filled the intimidatingly big lecture hall as you fielded questions from white, male students who sat back, so cool and comfortably in class knowing they belonged. When I watched you dialogue with that lone white female student whose outlier-ness was masked by the pep in her voice I thought of how I could get time with you after class. I was hungry to pick your brain; feast on your survival skills, so I became your research assistant. Each time I waited outside your office, listening to your womanly boss-voice rattle out your door as you guided your other young mentee, a white girl my, flame quivered, feet got heavy and doubt came over me like a chill. When I walked into your office, you’d ask me “how did the research go? Did you find and summarize the articles?” Never any formalities with me, never asked me how I was or how school was going for me. I coveted the platitudes I overheard you have with your young white mentee. But for me just a hello then my “to do” list. In those moments I felt like my mom, no I wasn’t working on my feet all day for meager pay, I was in the halls of a prestigious university interning for a white scholar who saw me as labor. The dream had always been to be in politics, after two quarters of feeling undervalued I went into your office placed your research on your desk and told you I quit. Your eyes looked at me as if recognizing me for the first time and you stayed quiet not knowing how to field my emotions.  

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