What do you want me to tell you about them? Come on ask me! I dare you! Ok, fine I don’t know that much about snowshoe hares except, all an average person really needs to know about them. They are vegetarians cause they don’t eat other animals and they use camouflage as a survival tactic. They are the color or forest ground in the summer and snow white in the winter. That’s how I spent my president’s day this year along side one of the cutest little boys I know helping him out with his second grade report. I love kids. Truth is I always have. I grew up around so many kids, my oldest sister who is four years older than me was the neighborhood baby sitter at age thirteen; maybe even younger. After school my one bedroom shoebox size apartment was filled with up to ten little kids including my three older sisters and I. Now I enjoy taking part in the lives of my nieces and nephews- I like to take trips to the theater, park, basketball games and bookstores were we spend quality time. And my partner has a son, that’s another kid in my life. I never imagined myself dating a woman with a child- seriously never part of my imagination. It’s not as out of this world as I make it sound, but that was my subjective reality. Being involved with someone with a child takes a different type of commitment. And when I say “involved” I mean you’re more than just a chilln with the girl going our for tacos every once in a while. I mean involved as you’re in love and your outlook on the relationship is quite bright and you ca seriously see yourself taming those “back-door boyfriend” ways. My tattooist Big Chuey- I say my tattooist like one says my hairstylist because that’s how happy I am with my tat, I’m confident I want Chuey to work on me some more. So Big Chuey says, actually his mom told him when he got involved with a woman with a child, “que no puedes querer a la gallino y no a los pollitos”.
You can’t choose not be involved in the life of a child once that child enters your life. Well, I suppose you could choose not to be involved the way my stepfather (aka “The Man”) chose not to be involved with me He’s been a part of my family for eighteen years and to this day we don’t speak. Strange but true how he’s there but not really there; another father figure who wasn’t there for me. I don’t want to be that kind of stepmother, that type of person period. It’s just not me. Dating a mommy means you not only have a commitment with her you establish one with the child too. Relationships are hard and when a child is involved frankly it’s scary. Who doesn’t or hasn’t had thoughts of breaking a relationship off when life felt so fucken hard you couldn’t even cry about it anymore? Things with the relationship your life, heart, soul get so convoluted the core of you trembles deep down with every breath – te cuesta respirar. Big Chuey told me that it’s during those times that I shouldn’t pull out the “that’s not my kid,” card. He said not even when you want the mommy to act the way you want her to act or do the things you want her to do cause that’s manipulation. Right! Not to mention the message it sends to the child. Kids are very responsive to love and kindness, that’s all it takes to build trust with a child. What better and easier way to start a bond.
I’ve done the whole “not my kid card” not verbally and never acted on it (NEVER) but those thoughts have crossed my mind once. More out of awkwardness and confusion when I was trying to find my place in the situation, feel my role of a parental figure of sorts and felt myself slip a little, metaphorically speaking of course. Both parents are greatly and positively present in this child’s life so it’s been a challenge finding my role. Unlike most cases I know, including one of my sister's, when one parent is out of the picture, makes it a bit more seamless for the new partner to become a surrogate parent. Maybe that just poses different challenges? It’s those awkward moments when I’ve felt like my steps aren’t quite as steady, that I’ve wished I wish I had camouflaging abilities like the fantastic snowshoe hare. But alas I’m not that kind of mammal so instead what I do is just be present, caring, open and be myself. Got to be. Oh and I try not rush the situation/relationship with the kid- it’s like standing on the beach and letting the tide reach you, it always does and in the same way the relationships flourish. I try to proceed with loving kindness the way I do with all my loved ones. Lastly, I do have to remind myself not to be so tough on myself when I forget to do stuff. Like on President’s day the kid typed up his report, it took forty minutes for him to finish two paragraphs but he was so proud and excited about how well he had typed. That was a perfect opportunity for me to tell him how proud I was of him and congratulate him on typing his first report, right? But I didn’t. I did praise him throughout the process I must say but I wish I had said those words to him when we were finally done. I’ll make sure I tell him though next time I see him. I learned from this experience and not just about snowshoe hares but also about what roles I can play in the life of the kid.
p.s. It is called a snowshoe hare because its hind feet are long and its toes spread out like snowshoes.
Comments