What up G!!

Hey Homie!

Just kidding. How are you Juan? It has been a while since I’ve written to you.  Been through a lot actually in the last few months; have been healing from various injuries from exercising mostly my shoulder, hand. They feel a lot better because I’ve been getting pricked with needles; acupuncture it really does help. That and the extra deep massages they game me each time I went to a session. I recently got over a little health scare. The doctor found an ovarian cyst…so I had to wait out 3 months to see if it was dangerous to my health or not.  It wasn't. I’m abut to turn 32 so technically I’m considered low risk para esas cosas. Still it makes you think the things that are yet to come for me as my body ages. Not sure if you remember but I’ve always been an active person, physically I mean I’ve always liked to run, be outdoors work on my body and now my bones ache. Still I want to run a marathon! It’s one of the things on my “bucket list” things I want to experience before I die. 

I started teaching. I’m working with high school students at Roosevelt High in East LA. It’s an after school project that I am overseeing.  It’s a fun thing to be involved in because it has so many layers. Well first let me tell you that it’s an oral history project, students are going to interview a few older-female-activists that have shaped and influence the communities of East L.A. and Boyle Heights.  They will interview them, on video camera and then we’re going to take all the video footage to create a documentary called “Las Grandes de East L.A. and Boyle Heights”. I’m really excited about the whole project but have been a bit bummed cause we’ve had such low attendance.  Only two students have come consistently and of course we’ve continued the project with only the two of them.  Actually we’ve had really good sessions with them, they have liked the class discussions and the materials we’ve shared with them so far. I think they’re into it.  Ok I know they are I should stop being in disbelief about it.

This Sunday we’re going to go see a play called “Boyle Heights” I figured it's a good way for them to see te we work others in the community are creating about this community. At the end of the project students would have contributed to the preservation of history of that community.  They are being historians. So back to the layers…well you have the youth, Adilia (program assistant) myself, Dionne (professor at Cal State LA) and Susana the (lead teacher at Roosevelt) and finally the older women activists that we’ll be interviewing. That makes for a whole lot of generations!  It’s awesome for me too because I get to visit a high school campus very different from the one I attended. Here they have 5,000 students and the campus is pretty big, my high school had 500 students and we took classes in bungalows. So it’s cool to see the jocks, cheerleaders, activists, rebels, cholos, chachas, nerds, loners. Roqueros and what evers walking around.

 

Dude! Let me tell you the one thing I am totally grateful I didn’t experience at my high school that they have there is the rat problem.  This one time we were meeting and then we saw one race from one end of the classroom to the other. But hey look on the bright side-the district is spending money on uniforms, 2 per student. So it’s nice to experience the contrasts in my high school experiences.  I almost can’t wait to get to the end of the project cause I know the work we create is going to be so awesome. Just like the process has been. 

p.s. got the image from www.museo.org/site I believe it's from their current exhibit "inside/Outside North&South.  No artist name listed

Better than Caldo de Pollo!

 For the past two weeks I have been participating in a workshop series called “Our Barrios, Ourselves: Writing from Cement and Skin,” is a Playwrights Intensive. For the past two Sundays I have gathered with other writers from across Los Angeles, and one daring dedicated writer who drives down from San Bernardino to join us.  Oliver Meyer and Luis Alfaro have edified us…and I would add the whole class. The exercises the sharing of ideas, the commiserating and co-epiphanating has been so motivating.  This for me has been better than caldo de pollo (salvi or Mexican!) como me han destapado estas sesiones.   Las palabras sabias de Luis, the way Meyer lead us to be in tune with our feelings and senses, basic shit but so helpful and great in it’s pureness.  They, the established playwrights, didn’t offer anything magical and my collugues didn’t talk about being plagued by anything mystical but hearing the plethora of ideas, voices and experiences was so nourishing, me senti alimentada y satisfecha. Just what my soul needed.  Writing circles the chicken soup of the writer’s soul?

 

There is so much more that I want to write about this experience but I’m tired right now and must go to bed. I’ve been in Fresno for the past few days and I’m dying to pounce on my bed and plop my head on my own pillow. 

p.s the workshop series is brought to you by the East Los Angeles Repertory Theater Company www.eastlarep.com 

What’s In a Name?

What’s In a Name?

                        What’s In a Name?

                                                What’s In a Name?

I got so embarrassed when he asked me. As Raquel would say it- I felt like he had just looked at my asshole.  Ashamed, embarrassed that he had pointed it out all the while pushing back the rush I got from thinking of showing him some more.  Bending over spreading them if you will. Can I be an introverted exhibitionist? Cause that’s how I feel at times with my writing. I perform it- but that’s about the only way that I felt more reassured of doing it.  In other words, I’m insecure about my writing.  PHEW! Ok there I said it.  But I have been saying it a lot. I will probably say it a lot more times. I will be obsessed with writing about how I have problems writing.  I will write myself into and out of a paperbag.   I believe it was either Stephen King- I could be way off but someone suggested that the struggling author, the writer’s block inflicted author to just sit at your computer and write an excuse. What ever it is that is impeding your writing. Time, fear, lack of ideas…wah, wah, wah.  Tell yourself why is it you aren’t writing. Get my drift? Fuck yeah you do cause we’ve all had that person in our lives who is always farting around us- the person who comes to stink up your day with their foulness. They complain about the same thing, their boss, their partner, their weight, their mother, their kids. Anyway some fucken repetivite bullshit until one day you just don’t have anymore answers to give, don’t have enough care in your body for this persons condition, their troubled state: they rather talk about it than do anything about it. So you cut them off like a stinky turt. No more.  Anyway this exercise, this entry is an exercise in that: in how to stop farting about your writing. When I write excuses, I am being my own naggy bitch and the point of writing these excuses is that eventually you’ll get tired of farting and stinking up your screen and your files with excuses that you have only two choices: stop writing or fucken write something else.

Anyway now back to that embarrassing moment- I felt scared cause I felt as if I had been discovered. My tapaderas was blown off. BOOM! . A super hero tries to conceal his/her identity- only a few people know about them, right? And one of them has to be, eventually, the novia. Like mine,eventually, knew my secrete except with me there was no beso desenmascarado like the hanging Spiderman.  El mio fue mas como un egg on my face.  I felt busted- had to come clean. Not that I didn’t want to or don’t- but we hide our identity to protect our loved ones from harm. It’s me I’m really protecting.  But…you’ll see. 

I am Agente Zero-Ocho, my hero persona. I ride this here red , encountered by those that surf. Here is where I put on my writer face and attitude.  The one that allows my mind to take leaps, strew one sentence after another like energy bolts leading my path. I see ahead of me and swing freely.  Back to my curious co-worker who thought it was funny how I spelled the number 0 with a z and not c like in Spanish cero.  He doesn’t know that Agente Zero-Ocho is not only a spanglish word but the “Z” as visual and audio effect to my fantasy.  Aesthetics?  Z hints at Zorro- the master swordsman enmascarado, not a superhero per se but more like a costumed crime-fighter but the two share sever characteristics. “Drat!” I thought, “now he thinks it’s a misspelling,” I freaked out a little then realized it wouldn’t be the first or last time (i.e. mexicanfulmoon). I didn’t speak up because I chose to continue concealing my identity. Unlike Ironman, I’m not ready to shout it to the world. The truth?  I also enjoy the idea of being discovered. Since I really can’t fly and shit, my ass is in the chair when I write…but every particle of me starts to race when I think of my writing being a piece of the words already floating out here…to be continued. 

Manifesto?

 I.

Carpe diem!  Seize the day! Seizing it our way!  What the fuck do we have to lose? Balls out we bring it to the stage.  All the shit we think about, are close to, have been touched and troubled by gets dickwhipped in our process circles. That’s where we create what you see before you- that’s how we make sense of the world. Art- our life. We seize the day ‘cause tomorrow we’ll be gone like the homeless elbowed out of skid row (of all places!)  by expansionism, gentrification and the mantra: “if we build on top of that mess then no one will ever know it was there”. Dolla! Dolla! Bills ya’ll! Gone! Like yesterday’s hood-fame act. Gone!  Like a dead-beat dad. Gone! Like the fourth member? And who will remember?

II.

We remember. What once existed and what scarred us with its absence.  The lack of female masculine role models is my phantom limb. The craving for connection – constant need for validation lands one in painful positions, huh? It distorts you, turns you into a crazy curious character navigating through queerness (or what eva’) in bars diluting fears and insecurities with dollar specials, fading memories with lung swelling hits to the head. Throwing chingazos at each other and oneself, getting into debt but still not enough to buy enough time to make everything right.  I won’t go quietly and fill another role. The only Ugly Tia role I’ll play is one I write! Ya Basta to awful hair! And incase no one's ever said this to you...just worry about being you.  I had to find reasons to feel good about myself. I came together with the BdP- pulled myself together to gender fuck, not give a fuck and make sense of the mess that held my spirit down tight, tighter than electrical tape on tender-boi-tits.

III.

Seize and discard! Those masks used to conceal true selves; it’s not worth living with your back against the wall. Take control; make the calls in your life. No one should cash their dreams out on you. Search for something completely different. We’ve stepped into our post heroic masculinities. Ditched the pedestal pimping mentality and got hooked on the process of processing and transgressing our layered-self’s to reach self love. Can’t be what I’m not and won’t try to be who you think I should be. I gotta speak the pain not wallow in it. There’s no time! We aint got time and don’t want to wait for the moment. So we make every life/performance/life a moment. This is a moment. There I go again dishing out these crazy-mixed-up metaphors who knows we may create a masterpiece or just a feeling that haunts you. So, see us for what we are. Can you? Oh, you think you can?

IV.

This trio was once a quartet. Circumstances brought the four together but sometimes it’s the break ups that help you see the real shit before your eyes. Remember the past for what it was but always keep your eyes on to be. Yup, this trio goes back to last century, sometime  before our first exhibitionist  act on stage. Mmm. Mmm. Ahhh. Ahh. But we've got more shit than years between us. This thing is personal. The way writing collaborating and performing together is personal. You can’t do it with just anybody! We got more shit than years between us. We are poets, storytellers to whom much has been given and we know much is required. I’m not just quoting scripture here- this is our attitude.  We feel gifted so we gift you our art.  

p.s. Isn't this an awesome poster? The pic was taken by Mr. Hector Silva and the design- a Tricky Troll (Raquel Gutierrez) creation of course. 

Snail Mail

I don’t do it only because I have a slight case of technophobia but because it actually gives me a reason to smile when I collect my mail.  That’s why I write letters to some friends, yes the old fashion way. I got two pen pals have had them for more than a year now I would say even though email is so immediate and I sit in front of a computer all day at work so it works for me but neither one of my pen pals has the means to access e-mail so we communicate through mail. They are not the first people I community via snail mail with, I love sending updates and some of my short stories to my niece. But again, my pen pals don’t have the advantages I have even the telephone gets costly for my pals so this is how we can keep in touch.  

I love receiving friendly letters in the mail although it does get a bit tiresome sending them out.  With letters you have to actually write them and sometimes my carpal tunnel acts up so I can’t hold the pen then my penmanship sucks so I worry that the person on the other end won’t understand me anyway! I cheat sometimes and type the dam thing. Then you have to write the address down and even though I’ve been writing to my pals for more than a year now I still haven’t memorized their addresses; where’s autofill when you need it.  Then you place the letter in the envelope, seal it don’t forget the stamps which by the way are more frequently increasing in price, like at the pump, so you’re better off buying the “Forever First Class Stamp” it’s value is guaranteed no matter the increase. I know I didn’t get it either until I checked out the US Postal Service website http://www.usps.com/communications/newsroom/2007/sr07_011.htm which states:

“Research has shown that customers prefer the Forever stamp for the convenience it offers by easing the transition for mailing letters when prices change. When postage changes in the future, it will reduce the need to buy one- and two-cent stamps.

The last thing you do is Drop that baby in the mail and wait. There you have it. I was just being dramatic about the “tiresome” bit cause of course I still want to keep in touch. I must say that I like the lack of immediate gratification, letters come in spurts and you’re not robbed of the element of surprise by a chime going off announcing its arrival. I like looking through my mail and finding that one envelope with handwritten addresses. Maybe even some tape across the lip of the envelope to reinforce the confidentiality being transmitted.  Sometimes you get an envelope that looks like it was hit up by some taggers, the sender just had so much to say the letters contents spilled out.  Unlike the other items I receive in the mail those letters are the only giving ones; not out to collect my money.  They give me laughs, secretes, hope and contact…a bond with another individual. Yes like e-mail, but different ritual. 

Snowshoe Hare

What do you want me to tell you about them? Come on ask me! I dare you! Ok, fine I don’t know that much about snowshoe hares except, all an average person really needs to know about them.  They are vegetarians cause they don’t eat other animals and they use camouflage as a survival tactic. They are the color or forest ground in the summer and snow white in the winter. That’s how I spent my president’s day this year along side one of the cutest little boys I know helping him out with his second grade report.

I love kids. Truth is I always have.  I grew up around so many kids, my oldest sister who is four years older than me was the neighborhood baby sitter at age thirteen; maybe even younger.  After school my one bedroom shoebox size apartment was filled with up to ten little kids including my three older sisters and I. Now I enjoy taking part in the lives of my nieces and nephews- I like to take trips to the theater, park, basketball games and bookstores were we spend quality time. And my partner has a son, that’s another kid in my life.  I never imagined myself dating a woman with a child- seriously never part of my imagination. It’s not as out of this world as I make it sound, but that was my subjective reality.  Being involved with someone with a child takes  a different type of commitment. And when I say “involved” I mean you’re more than just a chilln with the girl going our for tacos every once in a while. I mean involved as you’re in love and your outlook on the relationship is quite bright and you ca seriously see yourself taming those “back-door boyfriend” ways.   My tattooist Big Chuey- I say my tattooist like one says my hairstylist because that’s how happy I am with my tat, I’m confident I want Chuey to work on me some more.  So Big Chuey says, actually his mom told him when he got involved with a woman with a child, “que no puedes querer a la gallino y no a los pollitos”.

  You can’t choose not be involved in the life of a child once that child enters your life. Well, I suppose you could choose not to be involved the way my stepfather (aka “The Man”) chose not to be involved with me He’s been a part of my family for eighteen years and to this day we don’t speak. Strange but true how he’s there but not really there; another father figure who wasn’t there for me. I don’t want to be that kind of stepmother, that type of person period. It’s just not me.  Dating a mommy means you not only have a commitment with her you establish one with the child too. Relationships are hard and when a child is involved frankly it’s scary. Who doesn’t or hasn’t had thoughts of breaking a relationship off when life felt so fucken hard you couldn’t even cry about it anymore? Things with the relationship your life, heart, soul get so convoluted the core of you trembles deep down with every breath – te cuesta respirar.  Big Chuey told me that it’s during those times that I shouldn’t pull out the “that’s not my kid,” card. He said not even when you want the mommy to act the way you want her to act or do the things you want her to do cause that’s manipulation. Right!  Not to mention the message it sends to the child. Kids are very responsive to love and kindness, that’s all it takes to build trust with a child. What better and easier way to start a bond. 

I’ve done the whole “not my kid card” not verbally and never acted on it (NEVER) but those thoughts have crossed my mind once. More out of awkwardness and confusion when I was trying to find my place in the situation, feel my role of a parental figure of sorts and felt myself slip a little, metaphorically speaking of course. Both parents are greatly and positively present in this child’s life so it’s been a challenge finding my role. Unlike most cases I know, including one of my sister's, when one parent is out of the picture, makes it a bit more seamless for the new partner to become a surrogate parent.  Maybe that just poses different challenges? It’s those awkward moments when I’ve felt like my steps aren’t quite as steady, that I’ve wished I wish I had camouflaging abilities like the fantastic snowshoe hare. But alas I’m not that kind of mammal so instead what I do is just be present, caring, open and be myself.  Got to be. Oh and I try not rush the situation/relationship with the kid- it’s like standing on the beach and letting the tide reach you, it always does and in the same way the relationships flourish. I try to proceed with loving kindness the way I do with all my loved ones. Lastly, I do have to remind myself not to be so tough on myself when I forget to do stuff. Like on President’s day the kid typed up his report, it took forty minutes for him to finish two paragraphs but he was so proud and excited about how well he had typed. That was a perfect opportunity for me to tell him how proud I was of him and congratulate him on typing his first report, right? But I didn’t.  I did praise him throughout the process I must say but I wish I had said those words to him when we were finally done. I’ll make sure I tell him though next time I see him.  I learned from this experience and not just about snowshoe hares but also about what roles I can play in the life of the kid. 

p.s. It is called a snowshoe hare because its hind feet are long and its toes spread out like snowshoes.

La Influencia

The flu or influenza if you want to be scientifically correct is something that I’m sure we’ve all experienced and will continue to experience throughout our lives as long as the influenza virus continues to exist and mutate as it does. It’s the virus’ mutation abilities that make it so resilient since our immune systems can’t really develop antibodies against a changing predator (mush like the HIV virus but that’s a whole other story). At it’s worst the influenza can kill you but most of the times we just experience mild cold-like symptoms or respiratory infections.  But lately whenever I get the flu I get KNOCKED on my ass. I recall the days when I was younger (Oh god! I’m hearing myself say this more and more) I’d get the flu and still manage to function as if nothing was wrong. Nowadays I get sick and I have to be under the covers, severely medicated, asleep for hours accompanied by my cats. No ifs and or buts about it. I only wake up for the essentials- eating and bathroom breaks. As a matter of fact I have the flue right now, in case you haven’t guessed it, and as a result I’ve missed three days from work already. Normally I wouldn’t mind this so much but I’ve also missed out on my writing as well. It’s hard to sit up and write when your head feels like it’s being weighed down with five tons of mucus and then have to cough up phlegm every five minutes.  That dam phlegm hurts too!  Each cough creates a sharp sting in my throat as if the thread of a weed whacker were going against my inflamed throat. Seriously that's how bad it starts to feel after days and days of coughing.

God I’ve become such a baby about this flu thing. Lucky for me I’ve had my Mom’s caldo de pollo to nourish my feeble-ass back to health; just one of the perks that comes with being Mom’s neighbor. My favorite perk of all the perks I get from being her neighbor is that I get to see her a lot. I enjoy having dinner with her and just talking to her about random things, the weather of course, my brother’s future, how it would be cool to have a woman leading the country just to see if she makes as much of a mess as the men do and family talk in general.  As I’ve gotten older not only have I noticed that I’ve less resistant to the flu but that my ethereal umbilical cord is stronger than I used to like to admit. Yup, I am a Mama’s boi. Always have, for the mere sake that I’m the baby-girl, and always will be because Mom no longer treats me like a baby-girl and respects me as an adult.  We got to a point where we understand each other and things have been great since. Once while we were driving home form Vegas together she told me that I should have a kid on my own and I should do it soon because she’s “not going to be around much longer so I should take advantage” in other words she was offering her support.  She also told she thought I would make a great parent, “you just can’t be as callejera if you have a kid,” she added.  I of course got chocked up cause this woman whom once would’ve flipped out at the thought of one of her daughters having a child out of wedlock was now encouraging me to do so and offering her support. It also meant a lot that she thought I’d make a great Mom because I think she’s the best Mom ever.  

So what does all this have to do with the flu? Simple. As I was downing a bowl of caldo she told me “don’t worry you’ll get better soon porque ya me lo pegaste a mi,”  the secrete of the flu she said is that once you pass it on to someone then you’re on your road to recovery. If only other things like STIs or debt were that easy to get rid off. Then I got to thinking about Mom having the flu, I know she’s had the flu but I’ve never seen her tirada en la cama draped in her cobijas complaining about congestion and gargajos.  I can’t imagine Mom reacting to the flu in the ways that I’ve reacted to it; she would never and has never missed three days of work (paid or house work) because of a little bug. In fact the only times I’ve seen Mom bedridden for days were when she had a cesarean when giving birth to my brother and then when her appendix burst. Day in and day out Mom puts in long hours of hard work- she's never had a choice really being a single mother with four hungry mouths to feed, sometimes it she had to work two jobs just to make it. Back pain, fevers, flu, dislocated joints nothing held her back.  Nothing was stronger than her determination to raise her daughters and see them/us have a fulfilling life. Nah, she’s not a mujer de hiero but she’s definitely a Superwoman in my eyes. She works and has worked hard every day of her life, which makes me wonder if she realizes the influence she’s had on me and my work ethics, if she realizes that it’s because of her that I’m such a freakin’ workaholic. She’s also very giving and fair-just more of her qualities I strive to embody. Ay, esa mujer como ha sido una fuerte influencia positiva en mi vida. 

P.s. Happy Valentines Day mo'fo! Share the love....