Las beisbolitas (final)

So excited that my poem "las beisbolistas" will be featured in the book "Mexican American Baseball in Pomona Valley." Thank you Richard Santillan!

They played in fields

smaller than the men’s,

right before the men hit the lots.

These mujeres were no warm up acts!

Across the Southwest, las Tomboys, Aztecas,

Rock-etts y las Moreloettes,

traded their aprons for a chest protector

y un bat. Not torteando tortillas on Sunday,

punching their glove-pocket

ready for the heat of the grounder.

Las beisbolistas

took me down memory lane.

My little arm hooked around my Ama’s elbow

walking safely down the street.

Little arm that could throw a ball fast,

directly at a bully’s right calf.

“Don’t tell me girls can’t play ball!

Next one will be a homerun. I call right field.”

Mujeres beisbolistas?

They did it for the fun, the winning,

 the friendships and the aches.

Filled many fields with their dreams

with each round of the bases.

Las beisbolistas broke

racist, gendered barriers one crack

of the bat at a time to

play Béisbol the game they loved.

Compton Compilation

This here post goes out to my folks from the City of Compton. Just a few to show you Compton from my heart.


1. Compton
2.Gang Boys
3.Compton O.G.
4. The Parade
5. Home Run Blues

Amanda Woodward, My Shero (circa 1993)

Heather Locklear as Amanda from Melrose Place

Amanda Woodward, god she is such a witch! She looks like she is so hungry with power. No she can’t be hungry if she already has it, cause she does. The way she stands up to men more powerful than her at D & D Advertising, the way she dismisses compliments from others in a “yeah, I know I’m good and don’t need you to tell me,” kind of way. I don't want to be like her really but definitely wish I had alot of her qualities.  Let’s face it, it’s been pretty fucken hard for me to try to emulate her with my prieta, swap meet-clothes-wearing self. She is after all Heather Locklear.  And honestly I don’t want to be HER just be like the character she plays on Melrose Place. I’ve never been to Melrose, it’s pretty close by my classmates say but I don’t have a car and I don’t think my mom will let me get there on the bus. It seems like a nice fancy place to visit, with nice young rich 20-somethings.

Amanda Woodward, she is a crude vice-president of an advertising company, a callous slut who seems to have affairs with every male character on the show except for Matt the gay one of course. Oh and she has an amazing wardrobe that always accentuates her ass.  Not only does Amanda have her own apartment but she also owns the apartment complex where the Melrose drama takes place. Or is she just the manager? Heather Locklier has been on other television shows, I don't remember which ones but I do know the other characters she played on the many television sitcoms she was on except that her characters were always well off and a seductress.  Heather Locklear, with her trend setting fashion, high paying career and bed hopping abilities makes me thinks that having such independence would make anyone feel so powerful, that’s why she is so tough, cause she does what she wants. I have never experienced that kind of independence but also I’ve never been told that I could one day live like that, but I wish to.  I don’t mean just the clothes, money and men but, she represents the opposite of everything, that at my mature age of sixteen years old, I am already angered and bored with such as religion, marriage, children…in a word housewife. Amanda doesn’t have to worry over making sacrifices for her family, her husband or her children and from all her romantic quests I could tell that virginity or devotion are not nooses around her neck.  Unlike all my relatives, Amanda/Heather is not trapped into relationships by mixed emotions or neglected vows.  After her roll around with the guys she doesn't worry about the whispers behind her back or have fear chill her blood at the thought of what her mother might say when if she found out she had gone to see a gynecologist (yes my mom freaked out once when I went to the gyno).  Amanda’s women’s parts are her own and she could pamper it as much as she likes, adorn it with the softest fabrics, give it up without any commitments and care for it as it needed to be.  That is what I want.  Sounds simplistic and shallow but I want to be able to have a relationship and not have my friends tell me that whomever I slept with was supposed to be my man because we had to share had to be something special. I want to be a successful career woman, wear nice skirts, be flawlewss and strong. I want to be able to have my own apartment, something overlooking downtown all the lights and freeways a canvas to my romantic escapades.

I’m Not Used Goods (circa 1994)

Dear Friend,

It finally happened. I did IT.  I ditched school on Monday and took the bus to Ignacio’s house.  He’s been talking about it for a while but I’ve been too scared, I’m not the kind of girl that skips school. But this year is almost over, high school is almost over and we have gotten closer. On Sunday night we had such a great talk on the phone.  We shared our feelings for each other. Believe it or not I even told him that I loved him. I know, I don’t believe it either that I let my guard down like that. It wasn't my hormones speaking either, it was his words and the way he spoke about me and how he felt about me that made me do it. 

When I got to his house he looked nervous because his mom had come back to the house, she forgot her wallet! So he had to hide in his closet so she wouldn’t see that he skipped school.  He showed me around his house, then took me to his room.  We read together for a while, he had some poems he wanted me to see then he showed me the letters he kept that I wrote to him like 2 years ago. We listened to Juan Gabriel and La Sonora Dinamita as we talked and kissed a lot. It was GREAT! It got very very heavy and we ended up having coitus. It was my first time. Yes Dear Friend, I lost my virginity. It was…painful, I had not idea it would hurt but it also felt very pleasurable. The truth is I don’t know how I should feel now that all of this happened. I even told my friends about it. I don’t know if I should feel bad, good or sorry for losing my virginity. Part of me does feel pleased/relieved. I did start thinking about my future for a bit though, I could hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me I was now used goods, “no man is going to want a girl who doesn’t respect herself”.  What if she is right, what if no guy wants me cause I’m not a virgin? As I sit here writing to you, back aching and still sore between my legs from our 3 hour love fest all I can do it live with it. 

On Sex/Education (circa 1993)

California Raisins. Los Bukis (Mexican American Experience)

It just happened day, at the University.  I was wearing a skirt, we were at lunchtime. He has access to the University Video Viewing Rooms because he’s taking a biology course at the University and sometimes he has assignments he needs to complete.  He went to the counter checked out the VHS he had to watch for class and the librarian escorted us to an empty room, he waited until we couldn’t hear the clanking of her heals. He dug into his backpack and pulled out a video he brought from home, it was porn! Can you believe that?  He popped the cassette in, sat on a chair then sat me on his lap. The video was on mute but I could still see it in the women’s faces, their mouths like blowing bubbles and the guys with their strained looks, they were doing it hard. I felt his hand on my side, moving up my arm and then caressed my cheek and he turned me into him. I kissed his lips, fine lips like strawberries just lush and soft. We kissed for a long time with our tongues and everything. I actually like kissing him a lot, I don’t get grossed out like I sometimes did with my other boyfriends. It’s the lips, I think. And his moustache, like sweet and sour but hard and soft.  He then moved his other hand up my leg, I was nervous but curious to see what he was going to do. He touched in between my legs and said “Wow you’re so wet!” Not sure what he meant, I know the room was hot, I was super excited and maybe sweaty between my legs. My head got hotter and reached for his hand and held it there his fingers pressed against me wet.

Next thing I know I am against the door, where someone walking by can’t really see us through the window. He is down on his knees, one hand pulling my underwear to the side the other grabbing my butt pushing me into his face.  He kissed me, with this lips and his tongue he kissed me down there.  I was so scared that we'd get caught. But so wanting to keep doing it, let him kiss me like that. I didn’t pee. I know I didn’t pee but it felt strong like a gush down there. Like peeing but  I didn’t pee. Everything went quiet, I couldn’t scream he kept telling me “shhh, shhh it’s ok. Shhh they’ll hear us” I opened my eyes saw the video still playing, I shaped my mouth like blowing bubbles like those ladies and just breathed until I felt done, my legs felt like jelly and I had to push his head away. He ate me out he said.  When we walked back to class, he held my hand and he looked so happy. I was glad I forgot to put on biker shorts.

To Protect the Innocent

Date: 5-24-94                                                Weather: Cold/Cloudy

Dear Friend,

Yes, it’s me again. You’re probably wondering why I decided to pick up the pen and write to you after almost two years. Well, a lot has happened since those little entries I used to write about Miguel and Luis. For one I am now 17 years old and a senior ready to graduate from C. A. M. S.  in ≈ 2 weeks. Remember how many times I told you  I got Fs in geometry, not anymore. I’m in calculus and getting a B. I already went through the tedious rigorous task of applying to college. To my dismay I didn’t get into my #1, best of all, dream school Stanford (by the way that’s where Gaby goes). I didn't take this very lightly, I was depressed and almost cried my eyes out. In the long run I had to choose between Occidental and UCLA….I’m a Bruin! I’m pretty anxious about the whole thing, college and all. I’ve worked at Honda Motors in the past and I plan to do the same thing this summer. I’ve also become an auntie one of the best things that's happened to me all year (1-20-94).

I’ve also become very close with my 3 best friends Sasha, Yolanda and Linda. We share everything and tell each other all the secrets  (I think). Since the end of 10^th grade I’ve been seeing this guy named Ignacio. We had this weird thing, it all started when he began to write anonymous love letters to me.  When we did get together I spent most of the time trying to avoid him. We broke up twice and the last time was not on friendly terms, I told him off big time. Ironically he’ll be working at the same place as me this summer. We (at least I am) are very comfortable being open and honest in all matters. It’s been 3 years (school years) since I started anything with him and strangely enough I still have some strong and very passionate feelings for him. We’ve been through a lot, I’ve eaten my words and eventually he has eaten me. I know it sounds rather crude but that is exactly what he did.