I’m Not Used Goods (circa 1994)

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Dear Friend,

It finally happened. I did IT.  I ditched school on Monday and took the bus to Ignacio’s house.  He’s been talking about it for a while but I’ve been too scared, I’m not the kind of girl that skips school. But this year is almost over, high school is almost over and we have gotten closer. On Sunday night we had such a great talk on the phone.  We shared our feelings for each other. Believe it or not I even told him that I loved him. I know, I don’t believe it either that I let my guard down like that. It wasn't my hormones speaking either, it was his words and the way he spoke about me and how he felt about me that made me do it. 


When I got to his house he looked nervous because his mom had come back to the house, she forgot her wallet! So he had to hide in his closet so she wouldn’t see that he skipped school.  He showed me around his house, then took me to his room.  We read together for a while, he had some poems he wanted me to see then he showed me the letters he kept that I wrote to him like 2 years ago. We listened to Juan Gabriel and La Sonora Dinamita as we talked and kissed a lot. It was GREAT! It got very very heavy and we ended up having coitus. It was my first time. Yes Dear Friend, I lost my virginity. It was…painful, I had not idea it would hurt but it also felt very pleasurable. The truth is I don’t know how I should feel now that all of this happened. I even told my friends about it. I don’t know if I should feel bad, good or sorry for losing my virginity. Part of me does feel pleased/relieved. I did start thinking about my future for a bit though, I could hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me I was now used goods, “no man is going to want a girl who doesn’t respect herself”.  What if she is right, what if no guy wants me cause I’m not a virgin? As I sit here writing to you, back aching and still sore between my legs from our 3 hour love fest all I can do it live with it. 

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