I’m Not Used Goods (circa 1994)

Dear Friend,

It finally happened. I did IT.  I ditched school on Monday and took the bus to Ignacio’s house.  He’s been talking about it for a while but I’ve been too scared, I’m not the kind of girl that skips school. But this year is almost over, high school is almost over and we have gotten closer. On Sunday night we had such a great talk on the phone.  We shared our feelings for each other. Believe it or not I even told him that I loved him. I know, I don’t believe it either that I let my guard down like that. It wasn't my hormones speaking either, it was his words and the way he spoke about me and how he felt about me that made me do it. 

When I got to his house he looked nervous because his mom had come back to the house, she forgot her wallet! So he had to hide in his closet so she wouldn’t see that he skipped school.  He showed me around his house, then took me to his room.  We read together for a while, he had some poems he wanted me to see then he showed me the letters he kept that I wrote to him like 2 years ago. We listened to Juan Gabriel and La Sonora Dinamita as we talked and kissed a lot. It was GREAT! It got very very heavy and we ended up having coitus. It was my first time. Yes Dear Friend, I lost my virginity. It was…painful, I had not idea it would hurt but it also felt very pleasurable. The truth is I don’t know how I should feel now that all of this happened. I even told my friends about it. I don’t know if I should feel bad, good or sorry for losing my virginity. Part of me does feel pleased/relieved. I did start thinking about my future for a bit though, I could hear my mom’s voice in my head telling me I was now used goods, “no man is going to want a girl who doesn’t respect herself”.  What if she is right, what if no guy wants me cause I’m not a virgin? As I sit here writing to you, back aching and still sore between my legs from our 3 hour love fest all I can do it live with it. 

On Sex/Education (circa 1993)

California Raisins. Los Bukis (Mexican American Experience)

It just happened day, at the University.  I was wearing a skirt, we were at lunchtime. He has access to the University Video Viewing Rooms because he’s taking a biology course at the University and sometimes he has assignments he needs to complete.  He went to the counter checked out the VHS he had to watch for class and the librarian escorted us to an empty room, he waited until we couldn’t hear the clanking of her heals. He dug into his backpack and pulled out a video he brought from home, it was porn! Can you believe that?  He popped the cassette in, sat on a chair then sat me on his lap. The video was on mute but I could still see it in the women’s faces, their mouths like blowing bubbles and the guys with their strained looks, they were doing it hard. I felt his hand on my side, moving up my arm and then caressed my cheek and he turned me into him. I kissed his lips, fine lips like strawberries just lush and soft. We kissed for a long time with our tongues and everything. I actually like kissing him a lot, I don’t get grossed out like I sometimes did with my other boyfriends. It’s the lips, I think. And his moustache, like sweet and sour but hard and soft.  He then moved his other hand up my leg, I was nervous but curious to see what he was going to do. He touched in between my legs and said “Wow you’re so wet!” Not sure what he meant, I know the room was hot, I was super excited and maybe sweaty between my legs. My head got hotter and reached for his hand and held it there his fingers pressed against me wet.

Next thing I know I am against the door, where someone walking by can’t really see us through the window. He is down on his knees, one hand pulling my underwear to the side the other grabbing my butt pushing me into his face.  He kissed me, with this lips and his tongue he kissed me down there.  I was so scared that we'd get caught. But so wanting to keep doing it, let him kiss me like that. I didn’t pee. I know I didn’t pee but it felt strong like a gush down there. Like peeing but  I didn’t pee. Everything went quiet, I couldn’t scream he kept telling me “shhh, shhh it’s ok. Shhh they’ll hear us” I opened my eyes saw the video still playing, I shaped my mouth like blowing bubbles like those ladies and just breathed until I felt done, my legs felt like jelly and I had to push his head away. He ate me out he said.  When we walked back to class, he held my hand and he looked so happy. I was glad I forgot to put on biker shorts.

To Protect the Innocent

Date: 5-24-94                                                Weather: Cold/Cloudy

Dear Friend,

Yes, it’s me again. You’re probably wondering why I decided to pick up the pen and write to you after almost two years. Well, a lot has happened since those little entries I used to write about Miguel and Luis. For one I am now 17 years old and a senior ready to graduate from C. A. M. S.  in ≈ 2 weeks. Remember how many times I told you  I got Fs in geometry, not anymore. I’m in calculus and getting a B. I already went through the tedious rigorous task of applying to college. To my dismay I didn’t get into my #1, best of all, dream school Stanford (by the way that’s where Gaby goes). I didn't take this very lightly, I was depressed and almost cried my eyes out. In the long run I had to choose between Occidental and UCLA….I’m a Bruin! I’m pretty anxious about the whole thing, college and all. I’ve worked at Honda Motors in the past and I plan to do the same thing this summer. I’ve also become an auntie one of the best things that's happened to me all year (1-20-94).

I’ve also become very close with my 3 best friends Sasha, Yolanda and Linda. We share everything and tell each other all the secrets  (I think). Since the end of 10^th grade I’ve been seeing this guy named Ignacio. We had this weird thing, it all started when he began to write anonymous love letters to me.  When we did get together I spent most of the time trying to avoid him. We broke up twice and the last time was not on friendly terms, I told him off big time. Ironically he’ll be working at the same place as me this summer. We (at least I am) are very comfortable being open and honest in all matters. It’s been 3 years (school years) since I started anything with him and strangely enough I still have some strong and very passionate feelings for him. We’ve been through a lot, I’ve eaten my words and eventually he has eaten me. I know it sounds rather crude but that is exactly what he did.

(untitled)

(No title but let's file this one under "cheese")

As I sit here thinking…thinking about the memories I had

memories of the good times and the bad

I recognize a lot of them are of my friends.

We promised each other friendship till the end.

High school came to and end and we all went our own separate ways.

We didn’t see or speak to each other for many many days.

I was lonely, depressed and sad thinking about all the good times we had.

I know to make new friends and keep the old

sad that our friendship I couldn’t hold.

I have made a new friend as you can see,
and now she has proved what a good friend should be.

Love my friends....over 20 years strong. 

How I Saw Myself (aka Personal Statement) (circa 1993)

It is October 1, 2046 the year of my seventieth birthday and I am sitting here beachside feeling a bit nostalgic. During the past three years since I retired I have been doing a lot of thinking. These thoughts are mostly about my past life because I try to figure out if my presence on earth really made a difference in anybody’s life. I am now falling into a deep thought…

            I recall my days at UCLA very vividly and with much pleasure. I graduated in the class of 1998 with a double major in Political Science and minored in Japanese. I obtained a job right after graduation because past experiences had taught and accustomed me not to procrastinate, especially with such competitive matters as a job. I was hired by a small business firm in Tokyo, Japan. Aside from being small, the firm was not too well known but I accepted the offer because I felt that I could succeed with a small firm. I figured that by starting at the bottom of a small business I would have the opportunity to “learn the ropes” about all there is to know in order to become an excellent public relations manager. After three years of hard work with the firm I had the opportunity to prove to others and myself that I could excel in public relations. Soon enough I began to send my resume to American businesses and after receiving quite a few positive responses I decided to leave Japan.

            After three years of being back in America I had returned to school. I attended graduate school at Stanford University’s School of Business and maintained a part-time job. Later on in my life I attended my ten year high school reunion. There I was reacquainted with my old teachers and counselors, and remembered how much time, motivation, and effort these people have dedicated to me. I realized I had been ungrateful in the past and must do something to change all that. This experience taught me that I had never done anything to pay back others for their great contribution to my life and education. After this realization, I decided to change the situation by creating L.I.B.R.A (Latinos in International Business Relations and/or Administration). With the help of fellow co-workers I became head of one of the biggest scholarship organizations for Latinos in American. What made L.I.B.R.A different was the fact that not only did it offer financial aid but emotional support through counseling. I figured what better way to help the community than by investing in the community’s future; their youths. L.I.B.R.A’s main goal was to help highly motivated and determined students get a college education.  I got a real sense of joy and pleasure every time I went to the award ceremonies and saw the smiles on the recipients’ faces as they walked across the stage to receive their award.

            I became very involved in this project, I was always trying to get people to contribute more money to our organization. I arranged special speaking arrangements and wrote speeches to get my message across. I made people realize that these youths who were raised and made to believe that they were less than they really are had a bright future ahead of them. Since the start I always envisioned L.I.B.R.A as much more than a scholarship. I wanted L.I.B.R.A to be a stepping-stone for youths to get ahead and motivate them to help others alike in their communities. I sit here on my beachside property in the year 2046 and can truly smile proudly because I have accomplished my goal.

My Young Heart Speaks

June 16, 1994

My throat feels dry, like sandpaper. My stomach is churning. I’m anxious my hearts starts to beat faster and faster. I begin to sweat and I am wet. I can’t believe I’ve had the courage to come so far. Yet one word from my mouth and I can stop this. But OH it feels so good how can anyone ever want to stop it. I feel like I am floating in air free as a bird. It starts to get warm and intense. I feel this surge of feelings, very powerful building up in my gut. Like when you get up in front of 100s of people to make a speech, only better. Or when you’ve wanted to pee for the longest time and finally you do. My body has been invaded yet I don’t mind. I pull the culprit closer to me deeper inside of me; the ends of my fingers digging into the skin of his shoulders, round solid. I never want to let it go for the feeling will end. I feel protected, ironically, by this figure. Tears of joy form in my eyes these new and mixed feelings boggle my mind. Slower, faster, in and out these simple gestures create feelings and sensations, which inhabit my mind relieving me of all the cares in the world. I feel weak, very weak my insides feel like jelly and like they are about to burst. My everything is about to splash out. The feelings stop…AHH I can catch my breath now. I’m more aware of my surroundings and want to go back. But I just lie there victim; smiling.

The culprit weak and over exhausted falls back on its back. Its face has a pleasant smile on it. It’s happy, I can see. I sit quietly thinking savoring the past few moments, and out of nowhere I grab its limb and coquettishly tease it with my mouth/tongue. More smiles of satisfaction and even moans. Night falls and I am soothed by the sounds of heart beating and breathing rhythmically. I fall asleep in its strong powerful soft hands. All is quiet and serene with a scream I hurriedly get up and rush out into the night, the thing follows me not far behind.

            “How could I be so stupid, I’ve become attached and now, now you’re leaving? You’re destined to roam other worlds and other lands while I stay here and dye slowly. It’s not your fault that’s how it’s supposed to be but now everything is meaningless to me. Everything we’ve gone through for nothing. We’ll never see each other again. Now leave and let me be! Why does this happen to me? Its leaving and its leaving me alone to deal with the pain. Now what I believed to be a magical, special and memorable moment in my life feels more like a deep scar that will never heal.

*I wrote this when I was 18, didn't make any edits.