My Young Heart Speaks

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June 16, 1994

My throat feels dry, like sandpaper. My stomach is churning. I’m anxious my hearts starts to beat faster and faster. I begin to sweat and I am wet. I can’t believe I’ve had the courage to come so far. Yet one word from my mouth and I can stop this. But OH it feels so good how can anyone ever want to stop it. I feel like I am floating in air free as a bird. It starts to get warm and intense. I feel this surge of feelings, very powerful building up in my gut. Like when you get up in front of 100s of people to make a speech, only better. Or when you’ve wanted to pee for the longest time and finally you do. My body has been invaded yet I don’t mind. I pull the culprit closer to me deeper inside of me; the ends of my fingers digging into the skin of his shoulders, round solid. I never want to let it go for the feeling will end. I feel protected, ironically, by this figure. Tears of joy form in my eyes these new and mixed feelings boggle my mind. Slower, faster, in and out these simple gestures create feelings and sensations, which inhabit my mind relieving me of all the cares in the world. I feel weak, very weak my insides feel like jelly and like they are about to burst. My everything is about to splash out. The feelings stop…AHH I can catch my breath now. I’m more aware of my surroundings and want to go back. But I just lie there victim; smiling.

The culprit weak and over exhausted falls back on its back. Its face has a pleasant smile on it. It’s happy, I can see. I sit quietly thinking savoring the past few moments, and out of nowhere I grab its limb and coquettishly tease it with my mouth/tongue. More smiles of satisfaction and even moans. Night falls and I am soothed by the sounds of heart beating and breathing rhythmically. I fall asleep in its strong powerful soft hands. All is quiet and serene with a scream I hurriedly get up and rush out into the night, the thing follows me not far behind.

            “How could I be so stupid, I’ve become attached and now, now you’re leaving? You’re destined to roam other worlds and other lands while I stay here and dye slowly. It’s not your fault that’s how it’s supposed to be but now everything is meaningless to me. Everything we’ve gone through for nothing. We’ll never see each other again. Now leave and let me be! Why does this happen to me? Its leaving and its leaving me alone to deal with the pain. Now what I believed to be a magical, special and memorable moment in my life feels more like a deep scar that will never heal.

*I wrote this when I was 18, didn't make any edits. 

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